Heroin Diaries

I still remember the shivers that went up my spine, and the butterfly’s in my stomach the first time you put your hand on my thigh. I remember the way I couldn’t catch my breath when your eyes would lock with mine, it was like you were looking directly into my soul. It was the feeling of being completely raw, open and vulnerable yet completely accepted and loved so fully. There was something so magical about you. You radiated such charisma. You had this child like wonder about you that always drew me in to be equally fascinated by whatever it was you were exploring. The way you crawled inside music and art that aligned so perfectly with my soul made words Irrelevant and useless, we did not need them. Yet, you used them. Your words were so full of fire and passion, such conviction. You spoke to me so eloquently. You empowered me and wrapped me completely in your unwavering love. When your body tangled up with mine it was like our souls melted into one, like we could read each other’s minds. There’s just no words to express how deep our connection truly went. All my anxiety and fears would melt away. I felt complete peace. When I was close to you, the world could be crashing down around me, and nothing mattered but the smell of your skin and the sound of your heart beat and your lips pressed against my forehead with such tender and pure love. I felt so whole, and so full of love and belonging, around you. I felt as though our love was the strongest thing I had ever experienced, and we could over come any obstacle. 

Any obstacle, but one.

Your addiction.

I had no idea the demons I would spend the next 16 years battling with you, or around you…

I had no idea that the love that gave me pure ecstasy and fulfillment would leave with a gaping void seared deep into my soul for the rest of my life.

I had no idea that one day my worst fears would come true. That I would wake up and live a literal nightmare.

I watched the eyes that were once so full of love and light dim. I watched the skin that used to radiate and glow turn grey. I felt your soul slowly slip away into a place so dark even our love couldn’t even reach it. I watched the creases in your arms, that I used to trace with my lips, become covered in little bruised holes. I watched your words become a hallow and lifeless as your body.

I begged, I pleaded, I screamed, I cried. I tried, and tried.

If I could have taken your demons from you, I would have taken every last one. Watching you suffer so deeply when I loved you so fully was horrific.

I watched you slowly deteriorate until there was nothing left but Ash, or rather ashes.

I had no idea what helplessness truly was until I watched addiction kill you.

I tried.

I lost.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I promise to carry who you truly were with me, always.

Every addict is so much more than a “junkie”

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8 Comments

  1. Heather says:

    The world lost a beautiful soul when he left. I love you and I’m sorry.
    I don’t use the word junkie to describe an addict after him.

  2. Hope says:

    Kelsey I feel your pain and very greatful you didn’t get pulled in with him stay true to yourself and pure as you are. May the Lord always be by your side and walk with you until eternity

  3. Samantha says:

    Holy shit. I feel every ounce of this. So beautifully written. I lost my partner April 17th 2020. To suspected fentanyl overdose. I had no clue he was using. It’s horrible. Thanks for these words it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this horrible pain.

  4. Angela says:

    I lost a close friend 2 days ago to a heroin overdose, he was clean for 9 months. His ex picked him up to come visit her and her kids, when he got there she gave him the drugs so she wouldn’t be alone in her misery. He died while she slept. I am a recovering addict I have been clean for 16 yrs… This is the first person I’ve lost this way. Thank you for your words.

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